Subtleties of Communication
and Hidden Messages
Gregory Rutbell
16 November 2013
Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University - Worldwide
Campus
In this Reflection Blog, I will
review and summarize nuances associated with body language, paralanguage,
meta-messaging and hidden agendas. Sometimes, our verbal messages are not
congruent with our nonverbal messages. At times, our paralanguage belies
our verbal content. Sometimes, we use hidden messages to "cover our
tracks" and deliver positive messages about our intentions. McKay,
Davis, & Fanning direct our attention to Reflect on Chapters 4-6
of Messages and create a blog posting that identifies how I might use
the information in these readings to improve my ability to communicate with
sincerity and congruence. I will think about instances where I have been exposed
to incongruent messages and how I felt at those times. In my blog, I will use
specific situations that I recall and describe changes that I would make using
the technical jargon of the chapters. The goal is for me to become a more
powerful communicator by understanding these common problems and deploying
strategies to overcome them.
Body Language A great presentation is won or lost on body
language! How do you want to present yourself, deliverable and
"connect" with your audience? Your dress attire, hand shake, eye
contact, posture (how you stand, walk and movements), gestures, voice (use your
voice), smile etc. along with your interpersonal "soft" skills will
make or break you. Are you "connecting" along with your deliverable
to the audience? Leadership guru John C. Maxwell, researcher and author of the
masterpiece book "Everyone Communicates Few Connect: What The Most
Effective People Do Differently" states that it's not experience and
talent that stands between you and success but "connecting" with
people. This includes: finding common ground, keeping communication simple,
capturing people's interest, inspiring people, staying authentic in all and
your relationships. (Maxwell, 2010)
Great communicators and presenters
including Presidents John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton were so
comfortable with the words and speeches that they "flow naturally"
and focus on making an "emotional connection" with the audience.
However, both men spent much time in preparation including coaching from others
including speech writers. No preparation results in rambling, disorganization and
confusion about goals and objectives. Average preparation includes that you can
memorize your speech, presentation or bullet points so you can deliver the
right words. Communicating through the use of
space is known as proxemics. The physical distance between people when they are
interacting, as well as territorial space, is strongly influenced by culture.
People of the United States tend to need more space than do persons of certain
cultures, such as Greeks, Latin Americans, or Arabs. When interacting with
people of other cultures, U.S. Americans back away because the person is
standing too close. On the other hand, the Japanese stand farther away than do
U.S people when conversing. Negative nonverbal messages often conveyed by
standing too close to a person who requires more space include being too pushy
or overbearing; standing too close may also be interpreted as an unwelcome
sexual advance. (Chaney and Martin, 2014) Some
cultures play more emphasis on oculesics or oculemics (gaze and eye contact)
than others. People of the United States, as well as people in Canada, Great
Britain, and Eastern Europe, favor direct eye contact. The eye contact,
however, is not steady; it is maintained for a second or two and then broken.
Eye contact is considered a sign of respect and attentiveness in these
countries. People who avoid eye contact may be considered insecure,
untrustworthy, unfriendly, disrespectful, or inattentive. In other cultures,
there is little direct eye contact. The Japanese direct their gaze below the
chin; they are uncomfortable with maintaining direct eye contact throughout the
conversation. People in China and Indonesia also lower the eyes as a sign of
respect, feeling that prolonged eye contact shows bad manners. Germans value
direct eye contact: however, their eye contact is more intense than U.S.
persons are accustomed to. (Chaney and Martin,
2014) Very
direct eye contact can be misinterpreted as hostility, aggressiveness, or
intrusiveness when the intended meaning was just to appear interested. Minimal
eye contact may be misinterpreted as a lack of interest or understanding,
dishonesty, fear, or shyness when the intended meaning was to show respect or
to avoid appearing intrusive. The eyes can be very revealing during
negotiations. The pupils of the eyes constrict or dilate in response to
emotions. Well-trained negotiators watch the pupils for signs that the person
is willing to make concessions. A prolonged gaze or stare in the United States,
Japan, Korea, and Thailand is considered rude. In most cultures, men do not
stare at women. In France and Italy, however, men can stare at women in public.
In the United States, staring at a person is considered a sign of interest and
may even be interpreted as sexually suggestive. (Chaney
and Martin, 2014) Olfactics, or smell, as a means of
nonverbal communication is important. A person's smell can have a positive or
negative effect on the oral message. The way someone smells remains in our
memory after the person has gone. Most people of the United States respond
negatively to what they consider bad odors, such as body odor, breath odor, or
clothes that emit unpleasant aromas such as perspiration. They place great
importance on personal hygiene and consider it normal for people to remove body
odors by bathing or showering daily and by brushing teeth to remove mouth
odors. People in the United States are not comfortable discussing the topic;
however, and generally will not tell another that his or her body odor is
offensive; instead, they simply avoid being close to the person and end the
discourse as quickly as possible. Other cultures have different concepts of
natural odors; they consider them as normal and think attitudes of people in
the United States are unnatural. (Chaney and Martin,
2014) Haptics,
or touch, refers to communicating through the use of body contact. When used
properly, touch can create feelings of warmth and trust; when used improperly,
touch can betray trust and cause annoyance. Some cultures are very comfortable
with bodily contact, and other avoid it. People in the United States are taught
that appropriate touch includes shaking hands but that in business situations
giving hugs or other expressions of affection to supervisors and coworkers
encourages familiarity that is generally considered inappropriate. Because
touching may be interpreted as a form of sexual harassment, it is necessary to
refrain from touching in business situations to avoid the appearance of impropriety.
(Chaney and Martin, 2014) Kinesics is the term used for
communicating through various types of body movements, including facial
expressions, gestures, posture and stance, and other mannerisms that may
accompany or replace oral messages. The face and eyes convey the most
expressive types of body language. People of all cultures learn how to control
facial expressions to mask emotions that are inappropriate in a specific
setting, such as crying when being reprimanded or yawning when listening to a
boring presentation. In some countries, such as China, people rarely show
emotion. Koreans seldom smile and perceive people who smile a great deal as
shallow. People of Thailand, on the other hand, smile a great deal, which may
be why Thailand has been called "The Land of Smiles." (Chaney and Martin, 2014) Gestures
are another important aspect of body language. Gestures can be emblems or
symbols ("V" for victory), illustrators (police officer's hand held
up to stop traffic), regulators (glancing at your watch to signal that you are
in a hurry), or affect displays (a person's face turns red with embarrassment).
Gestures are used to add emphasis or clarify to an oral message and the meaning
of gestures depends on the context. Although regional differences exist, people
in the United States typically use moderate gesturing. (Chaney
and Martin, 2014) Posture,
the way someone stands, sits or walks, can send positive or nonverbal messages.
Posture can signal agreement or disagreement. For example, when people in a
business meeting share a point of view, they are likely to mirror each other's
posture. When a person disagrees with others in the group, his or her posture
also disagrees with that of other group members. Posture can convey
self-confidence, status and interest. Confident people generally have a relaxed
posture yet stand erect and walk with assurance. Walking with stooped shoulders
and a slow, hesitating gait projects such negative messages a slack of
assurance and lack of confidence. Walking rapidly and swinging the arms
indicates that the person is goal oriented. A preoccupied walk, with hands
clasped behind and head lowered, is thoughtful. The posture of persons of
higher status is usually more relaxed than that of subordinates. Interest is
demonstrated by leaning forward toward the person you are conversing with,
while sitting back communicates a lack of interest. Posture when seated also
varies with culture. An awareness of cultural differences in facial
expressions, gestures, and posture is important to successful intercultural
encounters. Body language can enhance the spoken message or detract from it.
Even though we usually believe that actions speak louder than words, in
intercultural interactions what the person says may give a clearer picture of
the intended message than the accompanying body language. (Chaney and Martin, 2014) Nonverbal
usage occurs when people are unsuccessful in their attempt to control the
messages sent by their behavior, gestures, facial expressions and other forms
of nonverbal communication. The person's actual feelings or attitudes, which
may be incongruent with what has been said, are inadvertently revealed. People
are often successful in controlling facial expressions; however, nonverbal
leakage occurs in the arms and hands, as well as feet and legs, since these
areas are more difficult to control. For example, people who are being
deceptive will often lick their lips, grip an arm rest, or tap their fingers on
a table, shuffle their feet and uncross their legs. People who are untruthful
often gulp, perspire, or play with a pen. They also avoid getting close to
another person. When body language contradicts what a person says, body
language is more indicative of the actual meaning than the verbal message. You
have to learn the meaning of the leakage in other cultures because nonverbals
do not always mean the same thing in different cultures. (Chaney and Martin, 2014)
Paralanguage Paralanguage is related to oral communication; it
refers to the rate, pitch and volume qualities of the voice that interrupt or
temporarily take the place of speech and affect the meaning of a message.
Paralanguage includes such vocal qualifiers as intensity (whether loud or
soft); pitch (either high or low); extent (drawls and accents); vocal
characterizers, such as crying or laughing; and vocal segregates, such as
saying "uh" and "uh-huh." Paralanguage conveys emotions.
Negative emotions of impatience, fear, and anger, are easier to convey than the
more positive emotions of satisfaction and admiration. An increased rate of
speech could indicate anger or impatience; a decrease in rate could suggest
lack of interest or a reflective attitude. An increased volume could also
indicate anger, a lower volume is nonthreatening and sympathetic. (Chaney and Martin, 2014) For
example, in the United States, people usually have no difficulty distinguishing
the speech of persons from specific regions of the country. Although the rate
of speech and dialect may vary from region to region, they rarely cause major
problems in the communication process. Learning the nuances in speech that
affect verbal messages will help when communicating with people of other
cultures. Differences in volume of speech, for example, are culture specific as
well as gender specific. For example, Arabs, speak loudly, feeling that this shows strength and sincerity.
People from the Philippines, however, speak softly, as they believe that this
is an indication of good breeding and education. Thais also speak softly,
speaking loudly only when they are angry. When they first hear U.S. Americans
speak, the Thais think the U.S.
Americans are angry because of the loudness of their speech. Males usually
speak louder than and in a lower pitch than females. (Chaney and Martin, 2014) Meta-messaging
A meta-message is an inner message that could be inferred or implied from a message. A meta-message describes
those messages that come through reading between the lines. Many statements
have two levels of meaning. One level is the basic information being
communicated by a series of words. The second level, or meta-message,
communicates the speaker's attitudes and feelings. For example, someone sends
his wife an email stating he has three meetings that morning and a report to
get out in the afternoon. What he is really saying is, "don't bother me
today." The meta-message is largely
communicated by rhythm, pitch, and verbal modifiers. Meta-messages are a source
of much interpersonal conflict. On the surface, a statement may seem reasonable
and straightforward, but underneath, the met-message communicates blame, anger
and hostility. It's hard to defend against the anger and disapproval expressed
in negative meta-messages. The attack is often so subtle that you aren't aware
of exactly how you've been hurt. You can learn to recognize your own
meta-messages and deal with the negative meta-messages of others. The trick is
to be aware of how a meta-message is constructed including voice (rhythm and
pitch) and verbal modifiers including special words that add nuances of meaning
to a sentence. Examples include: "only," "certainly,"
"still," "again," and some phrases "come on,"
"of course," etc. The basic function of a meta-message is to say
something covertly that you're afraid to say directly. Since a meta-message
attack is covert, there is little chance of overt retaliation. (McKay, Davis, &
Fanning, 2012) Hidden Agendas A hidden agenda is an undisclosed plan, especially
one with an ulterior motive. Hidden agendas are excellent defensive maneuvers
if you don't feel very good about yourself. They protect you from rejection by
creating a desired impression. Over and over, they help you make a case for
your essential value as a person. Hidden agendas are death on intimacy. Nobody
gets to see the real you. What others get are carefully selected stories and
calculated remarks. They hear how brave, helpless or fragile you are. You can
usually tell if you are using hidden agendas by listening to yourself. Do your
anecdotes all make the same point? Are you always trying to prove something.
The Eight Agendas are:
1.
"I'm Good"
2.
"I'm Good (But You're
Not)"
3.
"You're Good (But I'm
Not)"
4.
"I'm Helpless, I
Suffer"
5.
"I'm Blameless"
6.
"I'm Fragile"
7.
"I'm Tough"
8.
"I Know It All"
(McKay,
Davis, & Fanning, 2012)
The agendas serve two functions. The
first is to build up and preserve an existential position, a basic stance in
the world. The agenda becomes your individual strategy for coping with core
feelings of inadequacy. The second function of your agendas is to promote
ulterior motives and needs. There is no doubt that the agendas are adaptive and
serve a purpose, but ultimately your maneuvers isolate you. In the end, they
wall you off from the relief of being known and accepted for who you are. In a team setting,
some team members may have a hidden agenda - a
private, counterproductive motive, such as the desire to take control of the
group, to undermine someone else on the team, or to pursue a business goal that
runs counter to the team's mission. (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2012) How
can I improve my communications:
1. Learn as much as possible about my own and other cultures in which I
will be interacting.
2. Do not judge someone's actions out of context or leave the actions
unexplored when important to me or the organization.
3. Develop an understanding of and sensitivity to nonverbal cues.
4. Assess my own use of nonverbal communication.
5. Improve my listening skills.
6. Seek common ground.
References
Chaney, Lillian H. and Martin, Jeanette S. (2014).
Intercultural Business Communication (6th ed.).
Upper Saddle River, New Jersey: Pearson Education. Maxwell, John (2010). Everyone Communicates Few Connect: What The Most
Effective People Do Differently.
Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson. McKay, Matthew, Davis,
Martha & Fanning, Patrick (2012). Messages: The Communication Skills Book (3rd ed.). Oakland, CA: New
Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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