A521.8.4.RB - Making Contact

McKay, Davis and Fanning provide some direction for making contact with strangers. How comfortable are you striking up a conversation with someone new?. Are you able to "work a room" with ease? In your blog, reflect on aspects of your personality and/or upbringing which make you able to relate to strangers easily—or not so easily. What lessons can you take from Chapter 14 of Messages to improve your ability to connect with others? The world is full of interesting strangers. Every day potential friends and lovers pass you in the hallway and the parking lot. They eat next you. They wait on you in the store. Your glances meet and shyly slide away. It's scary to step out of your anonymous role and make contact. What would they think? What would I do if I was rejected. (McKay, Davis, and Fanning, 2012) Fear of strangers comes from two sources: outmoded nineteenth-century social restrictions and your own self-depreciating internal monologue. Nineteenth-century rules mandated that strangers must be introduced by a third party before initiating conversation. It was off-limits for unacquainted people to approach for anything more intimate than asking directions. People out in public were isolated from those around them. These rules contributed to the modern-day phenomenon of loneliness in the midst of crowds - people bustling everywhere but forbidden to make the slightest contact. (McKay, Davis, and Fanning, 2012) Your fear of strangers may have been influenced by habitual negative thoughts. I may say things like this to myself: "They don't want to talk to me." "They probably won't like me." It's hopeless." "I'm too awkward, too ugly, too short, too stupid." In each case you view yourself as someone inferior, unworthy, and unattractive. Like the comic strip character Charlie Brown, you imagine that other people are always heroes while you are always the goat. The belief that you are unworthy inevitably leads to awkward self-consciousness and the painful conclusion that people you could enjoy won't enjoy you. (McKay, Davis, and Fanning, 2012) It is important to analyze what you say to yourself. Imagine that you are in a doctor's waiting room and have just started a conversation with an attractive person of the opposite sex. The person listens for a moment, makes a few perfunctory responses, and returns to reading a magazine. Now notice your internal monologue. Are you blaming yourself for the rejection? What fault have you found with yourself for the other person's disinterest? Are you using global labels to describe yourself, such as "stupid," "lame," "ridiculous," and so on? Negative judgments and labels should be changed. Make a list of your negative labels and devaluing statements. Make a commitment to yourself to use descriptive rather than negative labels in your internal monologues. The hard part is sticking with your nonjudgmental descriptions when trying to approach someone or after you've been rejected. The solution is to make a list of your significant positive and negative qualities. The negative qualities are nonjudgmental descriptions. The positive qualities are things you realistically like or take pride in. (McKay, Davis, and Fanning, 2012) Reframe your approach behavior. Meeting with interesting strangers shouldn't be a test to see if they want to sleep with you, want to be your friend or mate, or even particularly like you. It's merely an opportunity to begin getting to know someone who interests you. You're curious about what will happen but not worried about it. You don't want anything from the other person; you are merely offering your time and interest. A refusal of your interest is a lost opportunity, nothing more or less. (McKay, Davis, and Fanning, 2012) Reframe rejection. When you approach a stranger, you are offering a gift - the gift of interaction. If the other person declines the offer, you may frame the rejection in a variety of ways. You may see yourself as inadequate and unworthy, you may focus on your physical and character flaws, or you may bear yourself up as socially incompetent. The problem with these frames is that they assume facts not in evidence. You are mind reading. Mind reading will almost always get you in trouble by leading you to the most negative possible interpretation for any refusal. The best thing to do if you are rejected is to assume there are personal reasons for the refusal that have little to do with you. If you want more information, ask for clarification. (McKay, Davis, and Fanning, 2012) You should expect to get soundly rejected at least three times a week. This means that you've found yourself interested in someone who, for one of hundreds of possible reasons, wasn't receptive to your interest at the moment. How can you deal with an emotional blow? Your deep breathing and body awareness can act as a sort of thought stopper and keep you from psychologically kicking yourself. Later, when you're in a quiet place, think back and notice how many of your assumptions were right or wrong. Did you enjoy yourself at all? Did you experience any sense of accomplishment in meeting a challenge. (McKay, Davis, and Fanning, 2012) There are two basic rules for successfully making contact. First, you have to give what you would like to receive, which means that the attention, interest, respect and liking that you want must also be something you offer to others. Second, you have to have an outward rather than an inward focus. You listen to the other person instead of rehearsing your next remark or worrying about your hair or your awkwardness. Body language is very important in making contact: • move toward the other person • lean forward • uncross your arms and legs • make eye contact • smile • let your responses show • touch the other person (McKay, Davis, and Fanning, 2012) The art of conversation has several guidelines for making contact: • use icebreakers • ask questions • listen actively • disclose a little about yourself (McKay, Davis, and Fanning, 2012) References McKay, Matthew, Davis, Martha and Fanning, Patrick (2012). Messages: The Communication Skills Book (3rd ed.). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.